Why Recurring Dreams Matter (and What’s Stopping You From Living Them)

As I have worked with people on 90 day resets, I ask one question that usually stops people in their tracks. There is always a canned response at first, and then I ask, "Is that really the answer, or is that what everyone expects you to say?"

The question is, what is the recurring dream you have? The one thing that you have always wanted to do, but never knew how to make it happen?

Oh, this sparks some really interesting answers. I have had all kinds of responses ranging from fishing guide, baseball coach, oil painting artist, actor and so much more. Interestingly enough these folks were doing none of the above.

My next question was "why?"

"Why am I not doing this, or why do I want to be an artist?"

"Either," I answered, "I'm curious on both accounts."

"Don't be absurd," she replied, "do you know how many obligations I have!"

"I don't." I replied, "that's why we are having this discussion."

She then launched into a chaotic description of her week. Kids back and forth to school, PTA meetings, 40 hours plus a week at a job she "kinda" likes, extra hours for the same job at random times that her company says are not mandatory, but strongly encouraged. Household obligations, aging parents and community parties that she is on the committee for, but feels that she's the only one who will see things to their final glory. Football games, soccer games, away games, home games, oh, and did I mention she also manages the parents "email list" for the games so everyone knows what to bring and who will volunteer for the snack stand. (She is one of the main volunteers since she is there anyway) This wasn't the end of the list, but I will stop here.

"You now see why I don't have time to be an artist. It makes me sad," she says.

What I told her next made her mad. Really mad. Like get up from the table and walk away mad.

"So, you have a problem saying no." I calmly stated.

Mad.

I then took out a piece of paper and had her write down every obligation she has. I said to her, "Look, not everything can be important. It just can't." Not because these things aren't important on some level, but she was attacking everything on a scale of 1 to 10 at a 20. I told her, "have you really thought about all these things and why you are doing them?" She told me that this was to help her children get into college and she felt that doing everything for them she could would ensure that they knew they were being supported and increase their chances of their dreams coming true. Plus, she wanted her neighbors to like her. (That's a whole different topic.)

I said, "So, selling hot dogs, managing the parents and their email newsletter is somehow going to go on their college application? And the community parties, how does this play into your real world? What if you show up to karaoke night because it's fun and you like your neighbors, but maybe think that you controlling the committee is something that keeps you up late at night?"

Say No.

Have boundaries. It's not a popularity contest, or college admission. It's your life. Your life. She and her husband haven't had a date night in months.

End story, we began work on this together. That list got pared down. She's not mad anymore. She's learning to say no and she checks in with me every week on our accountability calls to tell me that she actually watched her child play football and didn't sell a single hot dog. She quit the social committee but went to Bunco night and had fun. She told her boss that the "strongly suggested events" would be taken into consideration, however she would not commit to extra (unpaid) hours unless she really felt strongly about going. (She's also looking for a new job) and she bought some paint and started a painting. She and her husband had a date night too, actually a couple of them.

Transformation doesn't have to be big, crazy goals, it can be reining your life in and really focusing on what truly matters. Joy, peace and fulfillment beat an overtaxed schedule all day, every day.